The Memories- Where They Come From?

It has been more than a year now and still wondering how to make best memories of this period of life. But still I don't lack them all. And no dementia at least, I can retain information well. But sometimes wish there existed nothing called as memories when it comes to facing the disagreeable ones. But I them, so I can turn back standing at the end of life and grin with utterance of words not more than ''stupid''. Sorry I am not making a movie but I’m living my life but if presented in cinema it would be a perfect blockbuster at least to me. Full of life and still the best lessons learned every day. It’s a comedy, romantic, horror, adventure, some actions and overall a pure nonfiction cinematography.

Every Step forward is a Learning step.

I always wondered how my college life would be back at home. Recalling it back what I thought was, many friends, sleepless nights of studies of course, a crazy girlfriend, and much of a serious type but all attached with the word fun. But here it's all of joke, a perfect comedy. When memories become a joke then you can't stop laughing at your own life. Back at my school hours when I was out of my classroom watching the guys making a huge laugh in a group, I use to think they’re going to miss that laugh someday and I do mine today. Everything changes when you jump from a simple and nurtured school life to a wild college life. Even your name does and you wanted to be called by some super heroic name that you give it to yourself then. “Hi I’m Tshering Namgay and you can call me Gigsel.” Why should I call that?

Now here at the college, life is not a merely a child’s play but much more. Many friends but all under the mask, sleepless nights but no studies, a crazy girlfriend but heartless, a perfect relationship but without feelings, a day start with a pull instead of sip, belly always full but stomach still growls, everything funny but no laughter. Awesome college with seldom visit, friendly people around but useless, smiling friends but with a hidden truth deep in mind, best hostel room but without a broom, a foreign lavatory without a washing piece and finally a lather wallet worth Rs. 1000 but always empty. “What is the breakfast today?” I would ask my friends with half closed eyes. The answer would be, “I had some nicotine for now but let’s walk up and check it out. Come”

The moments of Joy.

And that empty wallet always brings tears to my eyes when I look at it. Where do my entire amount go, I never bought anything with that amount. Always prefer to grasp special items in the mess but bills unpaid for months. Where do all the amounts go? This is still an area of research for some of my mates but no more to me. As soon as the amount comes the canteen bill is cleared first, then the borrowed amount to friends and a hangout with girlfriend out for one day is enough to end the calculations. There after the same cycle repeats till it comes to next time when you get some penny from your parents. There is a long pause in a relationship, no outings, no gifts and no interactions after a while.

But out of these many are useless to mention also. Since distance from home makes you to long love from a special person and that also some hang up choosing the wrong ones. We miss out parents and their love, so for a growing person in a college it's not a hidden truth that they want to be in a relationship. Whatever kind it may be but everyone needs a one who scolds like a dad and cares like mom and loves you back like heaven. Heaven! That’s too much to say for now at least pretend like loving till the course ends and with some long pauses in between.

Finally when it comes for each day to end there would be a lot of things to rewind and look over. Each day would pass like a rocket in the clear sky and still we have these memories of short days forever written. Luckily I am not provided with a “Reset Button” which I would love to press when it came to the undesirable memories. When I look at the calendar a year has passed but when I watch it with what I have done I feel like a day. Here we stand and we look back just to see where I came from and how. If you have get a smile on your face then it's for sure you had the best days. It's like do it now or never. best thing always come in package, never alone.

And You Need to Continue a New Sentence of Life.

“Shut up dude she’s just a friend.”

“Who is talking about the Stanger man, I know you better than her.”

“Her?(With a big question mark brand of expression) Who the hell is she now?”

“Oh come on dude why are your pretending when you like her.(With a phony smile) What’s there in speaking out to me at least”

“Hey dude did you sip this early today?”

“Nah, what happened you need a drink? (Pause)To express what you feel to her?”

(Chocking) “Wait a minute man.(Chocks Again) Are you mad?”

“No but you are mad at her, right?”

“Forget it man. Don’t waste your energy and time. Me and mad! That’s also the way you say “For her”, as if you can read my mind”

“Never mind I read it. (Speaks in love tone as if he’s serious) If you really feel it just go. Let her know.”

“Probably go to hell and tell that I have come voluntarily to the master devil, right dude?”

“No man. (Still serious) She’s not a devil. Are you afraid of denial? (Looks at me) Oh come on dude dial the number. Forget it; I’ll do it as your muscles won’t work in this type of situations”

“Better go to hell than to do this blow job man. Don’t ruin my status yap. (Thinks inside ‘which I don’t have’)”

“At least I’m confirmed you like her. Now it’s your job do it if you’re a man”

“Man? (With a smile which bears a little pain) Man Yeah!  Man! (Leaves the atmosphere)

“Hey dude I haven’t completed. Where are you leaving? (Door shuts) At least take these noodles. Oh he’s gone” (Happy! Thinks I’m going to take all)

What happened to that guy? Why did he leave? Doesn’t he like to be called a “Man”? The friend who was having the conversation would probably think he’s not hungry. If someone was listening to their conversation he would predict that he was heated with that fellow mate. Some may never stop laughing.

He leaves and straightly goes out somewhere and returns back with a smiling face. The friends ask about his whereabouts just to get “outside” as answer. So wired is the silence that follows with exchange of only the mute gestures. And they all laugh teasing him pleasantly. They share their views on his choice and make him what they think as Man. It last for around an hour or less.

When everyone leaves mate looks at him and asks, “Why the hell are you smiling? From the moment you entered the room you’re smiling.”

“Why? Am I not supposed to smile?”

“Ah! Not like that yeah. Just give me a reason.”(As if I never smiled before)

“I got what I wanted man”

“Wooo! Wait man, what did you just say? You told her?” (Jumps off his bed to hug but…) 

(Puzzled) “Tell what? Was I to say anything to anyone? Dude I mean I got my new cell phone ok. So I could occupy myself with music when I get bored”

“Oh My god! That’s the reason for this smile. Nothing can happen to you dude. At least let me have a look at you dummy cell phone.”

“Where is my share of noodles man. Hope it didn’t fill up your tummy.”

“Sorry man I thought you won’t eat unless you are starving so I had it all.”

“Never mind at least I can understand your tummy.”

How was the friend supposed to conclude that he went to express himself to a girl whom he doesn’t know? But if you go to flashback and see the action sequences were as follow: He gets out of the room and dials her number. When she answered he asked her to go with him as a friend to buy a cell phone for him. Then they lunch out at a restaurant and visit a park. That becomes a reason for him to smile.

The Conversation

“Who in this world may not think that world is revolving around him and he is the center of all the problems.  Guess what your condition would be if you were given a responsibility to take the weight of all the problems in the world on your shoulder. Oh that’s too huge to mention.” He reads the piece quoted above and snoozes off. His friend checks his call log and finds the talk duration of thirty five minutes. He leaves with a huge smile on his cleanly shaved face.

A call last for the duration of on at least one hour and sometimes extends up two also. The duration reading appears 01:50:45 on the log. Special recharge and daily recharge may extent your pocket bill. Some friends give a wired look as if he’s wasting his wealth for thumbs down reason. But this is the way of life any life is the way we live. These things continue until a huge full stop lands upon it and you need to continue a new sentence of life. Some written pages on your mind may have to be deleted or modified to start over again. No sentiments over broken relationships. Just ignore who wants to be left behind and walk your path then see who dares to touch you. Not even your shadow. Open up your mind, breath out loud say thank you and leave the faulty path and to walk the same again.

“Hey! Are you still sleeping? It’s time for your class.”(Friend wakes him next morning)

(Half opened eyes) “OMG! What’s the time?”

“Forget it, you’re already late. Anyway how was the dream?”

“What? What are you talking about?” (Looking at his face as if friend too had the same dream)

“You probably have dreamt about her only. Or did you break up in your dreams?”

(Thinks: Was he watching my dreams?) “Stop your nonsense dude. Don’t talk like you conducted my dreams.”

“Yeah I did. You didn’t have neural control over your muscles yesterday.”

“You mean I was drunk?”(Eyes wide open as if his friend did something silly)

“Not that much. But I had to clean the whole floor.”

“Sorry dude. You started it with a tease and now I ended it making you to clean my throw up.”

“Never mind, just move on. It’s never too late to make another move of life”

"Stupid I still Miss You"-A Remixed Feeling

What is this? I found it interesting to read but I don't know why he wrote this and for also but he's my friend. once thought is he gone nuts but not really after reading this. I did not even think of editing it because I did enjoy reading his spelling and grammar mistakes. The below text is exactly what was written in his book of life. But whatever it may be I enjoyed reading hope you would do the same. It sounds Lyrical. The exact words as follows: 



"What can I do now? I have no choice left when you already said 'Thank You'. I can only do is just put a big full stop here. Before i did what i was gonna do i ask you and that might have been my mistake or good luck for you that i asked? I was never serious and i never wanted to be also. That’s my way of saying i am with you.


What could i do when you always thought that i didn't care for you when i really did? What could i do when you always thought i never missed you when i did miss you every time when i touched my cell phone? What could i do when you thought i was too flirty when i even forgot about the girls of past. What would i do when i myself said I Don't Love You when i really loved you? May be it was just I was dreaming.


Just everytime i was stupid when i called you and talked all those stupid things just to make you smile and laugh if not i could do those things like being stupid just for a smile on your face. How could i tell you i wasn't flirting when I was never serious? If i ever told you also that was gonna hurt me only never make any difference to you.

I always asked you whether your heart is already taken but you never said no when it was already given to somebody not probably the person I know. 'Is there somebody else in your mind?' 'Am I out of time?' these are what i asked you but with no answer I was shut down. Now you are only what I can think about. You light my life like nobody else though it was for short. I even couldn't look into your eyes just you were too beautiful. The more i try to forget you the more my head thinks of you. What the hell am i trying to do with my life? 


Ah! We had great fights out of fishy things and now it’s the best part of my memory. I always wanted somebody to come into my life accidently and stay for a purpose but i never thought that accident would be you and this painful that even the best doctors can't restore. I just want to shout Get Out of my head and mind but its helpless and useless for me to do that and no word can cure it. But i really wanted to say that you got that one thing which nobody did and what was that? It’s still unknown to me but you have it.


Just to make our talks more interesting though it was disturbing to you, i did add some lies to my bulls**ts. And that has become a reason to walk away. Somebody rightly said its better to fall from a bridge than falling in love. It hurts less.


I came to know what trust is only after I saw this angel walk past me. I couldn't trust you also for i thought i could do. You would not have made a mistake if you had shared me something which i always wanted to hear. And the way you always said you missed me was falling in my dumb ears sounding too flirty with echos. It would have been better if you could have said i trust you instead of i miss you when you didn't really miss me. But i do and still keep shut.


I know i couldn't treat you exactly the way you wanted but i really wanted to say 'Don't walk away from me. Cuz nobody's gonna treat you the same as me. I'll give you what you want' but i had nothing to give except for my heart which you said 'My Foot' when i offered. Girl i here i just wanted to ask you for one last time but i could only find myself out of time. It's my bad luck, never mind.



Oh yeah i really wanted to take you out' not for a date exactly but you never did you thought that m worth doing that. Your word that you spoke and over those which you didn’t speak out spoke less than your actions. In simple you speak less. 


Now how could i still say, 'Stupid I miss you' when you have build a huge wall with the bricks i provided myself. Hey i was little stupid also but not as much as you as I always told you that your choice's so wrong. Sometimes I was just tricky enough to gain your attention i told you bulls**ts and now i find it so funny and little paining. But I want to just ask how you could do this to me when you said you wanted to see stars in the day but now I can see both moon stars and moon along with you. Sounds funny yeah? It's funny. I remember you said too harsh when you did speak and i really thought over it. Am I really stupid to listen all this? I got yes, what to do now? Retry? Ignore? Abort? So it's just i wanted to stop this stupidity nothing more. I wanted to hug once so tightly but that also went in sleep. I can't believe I just said sleep, it's dream yeah.


I just tried to play it too cool when it did really mattered to you but I’m not sure. Why didn't you just vomit out whatever you wanted to, it would just keep you calm? I was just being manic to say i wanted to put you in the spotlight of my life when i really did stay in dark. It wasn't your mistake that i fell for you but my heart had this problem that whoever stays a little more in my life that i care too much.


'I would never let you fall down' what a lie? I really love this and it's one of the favorite lies out of all. I fell for you, why didn't you come that time? I may erase you from my head but getting you out of my heart lays a great problem. But tell me frankly how I could really trust you so blindly when I don't trust my dearest ones also. But the fact is you always hurt the one whom you love the most and hate them when time comes. But I can never think of it as it's out of my life's question.


Missing you is like breathing; i don't think about it, it comes naturally. Now i just look back at our old chats and think why I said that. It was just wastage of time completely. And the most interesting part is I would miss you calling out name. And i loved your voice so much when you called my real name though i hated to tell my name and when somebody uttered also it sounded funny. It’s so funny when i remember back how it really stared. It was just a intoxicated kiss between two stranger that put all those things together and messed up now. I'm little startled by those actions of yours, how could you? But it's totally worth it. And just a few days back i informed you your choice is so wrong and hope you’re doing that correction now. I had nothing to say when you called me talkative and creepy so i did lie many a things just to make you hate me. But why hate me when I want you? It's just that someday you would say 'Get Lost' and what I would I do that day. And I have experience, learn from it. But exactly after i told you those things i would regret and start missing you but how could i once more tell you that i was kidding.


Sometimes i just drop my eyes down and over ride my feelings why can't i still say it when i miss you like hell. If missing you is a crime then i should have been behind the bars as i did it infinite time but it’s just that nobody knows that i really do not even you. If I could say what I wanted to say then i could also say that's the exit please from my life. It’s really crazy how we fit though nobody thinks that we do. You have got that smile only which i saw it in my dreams brought down from heaven. It's everything i'm having and still let you walk so you can see what it would be like when someone really loves and when another person is flirting with you.


Rather, I would say if sky also falls also falls upon you i would be standing right by your side just that i could cover you not the sky. I gave my life for you just you are my dream and i want my dream come true, just to you. I can't even say I love you now but when I had a lot of chances to say when I was with you. By this time I have provided you enough reasons to hate me so you can always find someone better than me. But I don't want to be a hate person but it's completely worth doing for you. I may never come back but I'm always standing by your side.


Now i just take it as a dream that i woke up from but just wanna say 'Stupid I still miss you'"

When Life goes just the opposite direction of what you wanted.

“Every dog has its own day.” This is what my buddies used to state when I would win the dispute over them in a sarcastic way. And the same utterances come out of everyone’s mouth when they are in an argument out of ridiculous jokes and their friends take it so seriously that nobody can resist. “What the hell was I here for and what the hell I’m becoming now”, I thought to myself lying on the dusty bed that I never bothered to clean until somebody pointed out so defectively. Now I’m here heading the night of the Valentine’s Day, 2012 and plentiful thoughts are running down my nerves automatically. How uninteresting lecture would it be to attend the lectures when I could not get how the nerve would be but now I was thinking how this nerves could resist these thoughts. “Couldn’t they get completely shattered when these jam-packed cells were outrageously tortured.” I was thinking so stupid things now when I realized I was so exhausted and wanted to snooze for a while.

Just then when I positioned my pillow over my belly which is usually placed underneath the head while we sleep I wanted to yell out so loud that every worry would flee in the open space. But I didn’t do that and if I did so also I would be taken before of the warden the very moment. “What a fetish life”, I thought over again. Then I just rested on the bed with my headphones in, volume up and offer no ears to the guys around who visited as if they came to hunt my room with an seize warrant.
Today I was to celebrate valentine’s day but with whom. Ah! I have so loads of paired guys here, at least with them. Just recite an hour long prayer for their long journey to this unclean game they played in the name of love and hang about as if you are non human but a cold blooded creature that everyone had the terror in them. And go about from room to room in search of nothing and throw away time and lastly to the bed at 2:30 AM. And at that time realize that you did get the good night SMS six and half hours back.

The Dusty Bed!

Woo! Is it really a life here? That’s not what I label life as plus I can with no uncertainties say that my life is going just the conflicting direction what I have just thought it would be like when I came over here. Hot atmosphere, dusty path, mosquito’s singings and piglets scribbling around with no sign of greenery and here I’m to studying a professional course. Who would have thought it would be this way here with the approach of summer days. The moment I open my books I feel as if I am familiar with everything and then when it comes to put pen to paper no words show sign of life. Life is not as cool as you witness in the motion pictures about the way they illustrate the college life would be like. The misery has its way down the first day I joined the college and couldn’t get rid of till now. This is neither mine nor anybody’s error but that I am suffering but the way existence is and have to accept it unreservedly. Just then to reflect it in slight broader way this gives me a opportunity to learn lessons out of it but the way I’m taught lessons, I hate it from top to bottom. But I am at least contented that I am still unable to abscond away from my life. So it would be a glad path if I could only march just the way back I just arrived.

But there is by no means regret in my mind unless a star reminds me of it. So is the new day for the love birds tomorrow and a start of new-fangled life for them and so is the similar for me but not the way into love but the way into what I am here for. “A first-class undergraduate and a companion”, Just to close my still protruding eyes into my paradise to wake up fresh next date. When I just over and done with typing a lengthy tale with no meaning just to realized that nobody would read.

Dreams too HURT me

“Since the day I hugged her the first time, my life has changed its course so much”, I murmured to myself. It was a cold winter night; outside the wind was chilling and the streets almost dead but only few dogs making out for their might night supper. I was just standing by my window to get a breath of the cool air that blew past me blowing my long hair past my gloomy face. Numerous thoughts ran through my mind and triggered a little headache. So I went over my bed take a break from those painful memories that hurt like hell.

Few years my friends used to discuss their feeling when they fell in love and more over I didn’t consider those as feelings but as the signs and symptoms of love. They said, “You start to hate noisy places and stay alone in the corner. You will see the world so unpopulated that only one person exists. Your fear turns into strength. You would visit those places that you hated the most. You turn poetic even if you are the poorest guy in literature. And you think that every romantic song is meant for you only.” And finally I declared myself, I’m in love”.

She came like she was made for me in heaven with a sign board written “I’m born for you”. . She always used to tell me she misses me so much I was not around. I gave everything a girl expects from a boy but I wasn’t that good looking as her ex-boyfriend. Sometimes i felt she was the only girl that I was searching till date but it did not go as I thought. We used visit those places that I have never seen in my days while I was staying in that town for past five years. It made me feel I too posses something that no one did. One fine day I told her a smile lie just to test her love towards me and this is what guys usually do this days. I told her that someone from my high school proposed me and she broke down into tears that it took me an hour to wipe away. Then I realized she did really love me but didn’t know to what extent.

Days and months flew like the fast flowing river water that runs downhill. And there came a day when she was standing in front of me with the same sign board that she brought when she came in my life but the word seemed changed. It read something like this if I could read her mind, “Now get lost please.” Waah! What a joke that life played with me sometimes and I was so blinded by her huge lies which I came to know when the sign board she brought had changed. My strength to do my daily job reduced such that if I had plotted a graph it would have gone to the negative side. I was emotionally broken into pieces when she said, “We can still be friend”. I just nodded to her words and left the place before my drama started. Few days later I stepped into the bar to get rid of her face that poked my heart every now and then. But that too didn’t help me anymore so I was feeling short of breaths.

And exactly at that moment when I was running out of breath my I shouted, “Help me god, I want to live more”. My mate gave a nice slap on my exposed back that I got my breaths back. I was still lying on my bed and that was just a dream that I dreaded to think of it again. Ah! It was 2:00 AM when I grabbed my cell to see if I had missed any calls. My mate scolded me for disturbing his sleep and we both laughed aloud and went back to sleep. There I lay on my bed thinking. “Was that true what I saw jus in my dream?” “Is it related to my life in anyways?” “Did it really happen to me exactly what it happened in the dream?”It exhausted my brain and I went into deep sleep without answering my own questions again.